They will be 18 and 19 in less than two months. Anything. Like your son, he really doesn't spend any real time with other kids. Now I'm a little bit concerned about our 4th child, our 23 year old son. macy, My daughter had a pretty rough end to her freshman year in high school and is feeling pretty disconnected socially. She's almost getting past the age where you can "set her up" with friends, but you need to do it NOW. Personally I think he's just put himself in his comfort zone . We finally got her a private therapist and shes made major strides. 03/01/2013 12:21 My 14 year old whilst being happy with lots of interests - (he plays in a football team, is in the scouts and loves school) but rarely if ever goes out with friends. It's brain chemistry, not behavioral. He seems happy enough but I know if someone called he would be out like a shot. Iagree with you that paying her to do a class is a bad idea but perhaps some kind of reward for volunteering is less objectionable? I am now 45 and have two kids of my own, and I probably seem quite normal now. It seems to be his choice. I found a therapist in Berkeley named Katherine McCarthy 649-3399 who runs social skills groups for adolecents. What age would you let your child out alone? Good citizens. And like many parents, I was ashamed and reluctant to talk about it (68% of those who are estranged from . I know of many kids who went to Community college in the Bay Area, transferred to a UC college. If he qualifies, he can get social skills and pragmatics help at school. --jmf. Having expectations and setting limits with children is a loving act. However, I cant help worrying that he has no social life whatsoever. My DH says boys are very different from girls at this age, and that I should stop worrying. He must be lonely. Goes in pull up at bed. Do you think it is a good idea? He had only 1 friends at his old school, but went for the whole 4 year without really making any friends . In many cases, when you get a group of teens together who are spending the night, they stay . Hi, I have a 14 year old that sounds very, very much like yours! Yep. And, it's not that she is overweight or unattractive. Can anyone please give me some advice? Do this without showing emotion or guilt because IT ISan act of parental love and support. Since it is a spectrum disorder, it may be that your son is more 'mildly' affected, and perhaps that's why no formal diagnosis has ever been made. (They now attend the same college.) We are at the very beginning stages and recently learned that he's on the spectrum so are fairly new to all of this, but happy to chat if helpful. She's not going to be protected by you forever. Perhaps you could go on line and take an ADHD quiz on his behalf. my son is the same ,although he does have a long term girlfriend of the same age .When they go out its to the cinema or a restaurant ,never to pubs or parties or hanging about the streets .,thank goodness ! I think he;s just happy in his own company. Maybe this isnthis Issue but my childhood scars? If nothing else he would be gaining some real world job experience and have less time available with his gaming. How about carpooling in the fall? Someone will come along with similar interests and a friendship will spark naturally. Do you know of any places or clubs or venues where he can come part of the time but not all of the time? He is entering high school next year and I am dreading it. My teen showed me all about climbing and I got to see who he's spending time with at the gym. Teens do not get that much choice! Locks, Barriers, and Alarms. A teen's own peer group already sends a clear message that popularity is important, they don't need more pressure from their parents. Even though I honestly wasn't interested in the game, I was interested in hearing what my son liked and got excited about. My son is approaching his 15th birthday and has just begun ninth grade at a local private school. and then he plays on his own too. It's always hard to let them go, I know this from my own personal experience with mine. Yes, please! You sound like a loving and calm parent. Also find her a good psychologist, even if you have to pay out of pocket, as this appears to be a very serious situation. We have an 8th grader who doesn't spend much time with groups of kids. He has no confiedence although me and his dad has just split up. Try to pick an activity that involves other children. She comes off like she doesn't need people but when I press her she says she has trust issues and finds it difficult to engage with people beyond a surface level. The high school years are hard! And don't forget about all of the successful adults in Silicon Valley who hare socially uncomfortable. My middle school son is a well-adjusted kid, independent, bright, funny. Zero help from counselors or vice principal-until we quit excusing tardies and she got a truancy notice. Since his behavior is affecting his ability to learn cooperatively in school, you could ask your district for a student study team meeting (SST) to brainstorm and develop interventions to help him. The friends currently are not really interested in much and I worry a bit that our child will not be active. He is a bright articulate intellectual kid - loves politics, music, soccer - pretty normal stuff as far as I can tell. all the best. Being a teenager, she also won't do as much with us as she would when she was younger. And he's such a nice guy, I think he'd be a good friend to have. This brings me to the other issue. It just creates stress for everyone. Martha is nearly 20 now, and a sophomore in college, living in a dorm. His school is not much help. The book is well-written and practical. Like caffeine hits most people. Instead, it is a place for (in their words) ''highly motivated students''. Is this isolation something new that is happening in middle school? Your situation sounds challenging and I commend you for your kindness to this child. You didn't mention what kind of school he is in but in our search to help our son we found that he was struggling at a large public school with almost no caring adults on the playground to guidebetter social behaviors. It sounds like she is having a really hard time connecting with her peers and developing closeness in her social sphere. My dd is the same. She's even attended a couple of the high school dances. He usually eats lunch on his own (after being told to go away by most of his classmates!) our 9th grader is at a large public high school and has made a few friends (many of middle school friends moved on to private high schools) but wont join anything. Don't worry. But he is warm, polite, flexible, and tolerant. She's not, in fact I would suspect that she's much more mature than her peers. (510) 601-0232 as a psychologist. First, the scouts provide some really great male role models. I have approached school to see if they can help in anyway but it's difficult when they get to this age.He is a lovely lad, but he just seems to put a barrier up and people don't see the real person. I hoping she'll be able to avoid falling into an old pattern and not having the fun she could have. Is there a second parent in the house? Thatallowed me to better understand how my son was spending his time online and the culture he was enjoying, and gave us a common topic to talk about. Even when I had friends come over to my house to play, I was soon ready for them to leave so I could have my space. Help keep things going. sleep? r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. Anonymous. Only Child Turned Out OK, Clearwater Clinic (in Oakland) has a great DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) program that might be good for your niece. He has ADHD and act younger for his age . We told him he needed to go to summer school. Part of it is drama to get back her phone that we had to take away. I saw this and struck a chord with me. These kids are successfully working in Tech companies. Check out their girls groups in Berkeley. Anon. And now he doesn't really have the energy or time to do a big after-school program, so he says. If he never has the opportunity to be alone in his own head space, he will notconsider his behavior, his feelings, his life. I think activities would be good for your son, including school electives that encourage interaction between the kids. My daughter is quite gifted in certain academic areas and cares deeply about school which adds to her feeling different. As soon as I read your opening sentences: "We have a 15 year old daughter who does not have friends outside of school (and not very many in school). Or a therapist to help him communicate. I thinkheis a very lonely, isolated man whose 'friends' are only strangers from different parts of the world. He did get invited to the movies recently but turned it down. Period. I've never felt like she needed therapy, her social skills are totally acceptable, she's not shy or overbearing, great with adults and kids, and she has plenty of people she talks to, texts with etc. Our child had *very* few friends in high school, but she always had a couple of very close friends with whom she shared overnights, and that made all the difference in her level of happiness. Rarely lifts a finger to help. But today was kind of a tough day at school for her, feeling like she's surrounded by people but not really connecting, and I said to her "since you were a baby, you've been so openhearted and just want to connect, and the problem is, that's really rare, and sometimes other kids just suck.". Should I Force My Child to Socialize More? - Understood But I am also an only child whose parents divorced when I was pretty young. I was raised as an only child and was very much a loner. What's important is family, respect, the ability to get along with others, and being comfortable with who you are. It's alot of money. We all want our kids to be popular and have fun with other kids but not all are cut out for that. 23/09/2012 at 12:32 pm I am so worried about my 15 year old son as he never goes out socially with friends. He's close with his friends from home and chats with them online everyday - so he does have people he can talk to, I hope. He loves Science and is looking at various Science clubs to join @ school. Tax ID:46-4347971, About BPN Contact BPN Credits Terms of Use, Connecting Bay Area families online since 1993, Daycares & Preschools with Current Openings, Parent Classes, Workshops & Groups with Openings, Advice about Classes, Camps, Groups, & Tutors. He has been happier since my husband has stopped focusing on his lack of friends. Is Your Kid in Their Room All Day? Why Teens Crave Privacy Where do you buy your teen boys clothes from? Exercise your influence now while he is at home and you have leverage. So choices need to be made. She can be lively and charming, but can also be loud, bossy and cranky. If you have younger children, and can't imagine them not wanting to travel with you, then make the most of it. There is a lot on the Internet about selective mutism (something a lot of people labled as shyness)and how to help your child deals with it. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Be prepared to pick her up from downtown when she hangs with some kids for Boba some afternoons. Authors are Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore. good therapy is amazing. I think it's a balance, and you need to go out sometimes, just not too much. Now the friendship thing just doesn't seem to be happening for either one. The only thing I'd recommend is to keep her with you when she wants to be and make sure she gets plenty of healthy adult attention. I would encourage you to perhaps dig into your community for something similar. I insist he does chores. Your son sounds like a wonderful kid. Sorry to go on and on. Question the councilor asked us: Is he unhappy with his situation? 5 Things Parents Can & Can't Control | Empowering Parents This is non-PC, BUT since initiative/motivation is the thing he won't do, pull rank and make it not a choice. He did end up going to high school there. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. I am worried about his future. I also want to suggest a wonderful movie that will be shown this Friday (Feb 4) from 7-9 at the Mormon Temple in Oakland, called Original Minds. Try Holden High School in Orinda. Unfortunately, he had taken some tainted meth (at college) and it messed with his brain function for some time. Contrary to how this might sound, I do give them a lot of space. Angry and disobedient 17-year-old | Boys Town so i know he's ok, hopefully this phase will pass. Or anything else that might help. Way more than other moms I know. Expects bribes or rewards for good behavior. Middle school is the toughest social place, but kids with social-communication deficits also can have difficulties with abstract learning so it's important to figure out what's going on as soon as possible. I think there have been times when talking to himself has occurred at school, and I think kids make/have made fun of him. The counselor said he wasn't concerned about depression. Let her figure out her friendships on her own terms with confidence that she will find her people (unless you notice something potentially damaging or abusive, then step in). They have a ''Raising Teens and Young Adults With AS Support Forum'' as well as general information you will need to get familiar with. I recommend Shelley Hanson at Thinksocialeastbay.com. I'm a true introvert, though I've learned extroverted behaviors and get along well with others, I still find it difficult to really connect with other people beyond a fairly superficial level and I find it difficult to get up the energy or motivation to really try. Or a choice between Wilderness Experience A and B. My son used to be a chatty and active boy, but turned into a very introverted, quiet and inactive youth during his high school years. Sounds a little like my daughter. she has not met any of them but it gives her some one to chat to about a common interest . My daughter has always had lots of friends and isvery active and outgoing and she has had LOTSof ups and downs the last few years. There are a lot of kids at his school who indulge and he is an athlete and just doesn't want to be around it. Fast forward to junior year, friendship groups have shifted, 2 of the original 3 remain, while others have been recently added. He has no friends at school. I don't really think I have a problem but I'm just curious. What helped me was a middle school English teacher who forced me into debating and public speaking. My niece, who I am now guardian of, spends most of her free time sitting in her room, writing stories or 'tumbling' on her iPod. They might be resistent, if so, this needs to be a mandate. What about asking each child to choose one activity at school--perhaps that meets just one day per week--and/or one activity in your hometown that they must participate in. Sometimes he just needs someone to listen. I hope that you can find help for her and good luck to you and your daugther! 14-y-o has no social life, mostly TV & video games, Sophomore daughter doesn't have a social life, Freshman son having a hard time fitting in, http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/health/selectivemutism.html. At first I thought this was just my own anxiety from when I was his age and was bullied pretty intensely. NOLS is specifically *not* a place for a troubled teen. It teaches our children so much about engaging with other people on a social level. And please, before anyone says I'm being unrealistic and am trying to push him too hard please understand that I love him and am not, he is the one who is constantly telling us about changing but feels 'stuck'. In middle school, whenhe was spending lots of time on his computer playing games I found the most effective way to get him to open up to me was to ask him to show me how his game worked. I have a great deal of compassion for the ongoing strain inherent in parenting developmentally challenged children, which is often the case with adopted kids. Sounds stressful not to have a happy boy in the world. If interested, we worked with Clearwater Communication in Oakland. My advice would be to work on reconnecting with your son. But I couldn't help writing. Some have gone on to do Medicine. When he was little it seemed OK, kind of cute, and I thought that he'd grow out of it. We have tried several therapists, anti- depressants (Prozac), changing schools, etc, all to no avail. Of course, as a parent, you hope there will be a day when your children complete their transition into well-adjusted adulthood and have the confidence and capability . Making a child believe that they have to fit in, or that their worth is measured by the number of friends they have, does exactly the opposite. Suggestions? I hope this helps. (3) She's only 15, and you shouldn't be letting her run your lives. Its been a long road, and our son doesnt enjoy the sessions, but our family feels our child has finally (hopefully) turned a corner which is an amazing relief. Not all only children end up this way, of course, but my parents definitely didn't like childish behavior and I absorbed that lesson much too well. When your niece mentions that she '' doesn't want to end up in jail'' she's telling you that her peers are into some dangerous stuff and she's trying to avoid getting drawn into it. Afterwards we went out for lunch and he talked and talked with me. Does he like art? Is it a sign of something more serious? My son has always struggled socially. He just seems so isolated and it's hard to know what to do. Over time she found her way and got involved in theater when she was mid way through her sophomore year, and this led to her career after college. Good luck. Regarding the screen time, we let him have a certain amount per day after he finishes his responsibilities. You can purchase an alarm that will go off when your teen exits their bedroom at night. Sick teenager - activities or groups to join? She's learned to be true to herself and surrounds herself with the small number of people with whom she feels comfortable and safe. He's on a new sports team at school but who knows if that will translate into new friendships. Again, I don't know if he's at BHS, but he might like to try one of the teams - this has been very rewarding for a kid of mine. You should check out the Parenting Teens Workshop the Hyde School is having on May 6 (which someone just posted) or any other events that they are likely to have around that time/weekend. Several parts of your post resonate with me. This is compounded by life in the bay area. My 12/13 year old son NEVER goes out! - Netmums Does extracurricular activities, is in clubs. Passes blame when things go wrong. Encourage him to pursue his own interests and also to pursue new things (music?). what kind off things is he in to ? Here is the current issue: the kids are pretty much friendless (at least after school hours). I can recommend Dr Frank Davis in Berkeley, he was great for all our family. She doesn't seem to have any social life at school or at home. Yes, you are the parent, but that doesn't mean much in this context. Today she stayed in bed and refused to go to school, though eventually got herself up and went late. Drums? It might feel like a compromise but you also want them to enjoy highschool. Who of your friends also wants to see it? He is funny, smart, cute and socially adept, so I am puzzled about his reluctance to ditch them for more socially engaging friendships. I know its hard. I work with a lot of teens and their parents and caregivers and the thing I always hear from kids is how lonely and difficult it can be to be a teenager, and how much they feel that the adults in their life don't understand this. It sounds that you may be doing this alone as well--making it even harder. He has friends at school but they never call for him or invite him anywhere. I try to do anything I can to help this group because they have made such a difference in my grandson. I am just thinking of an informal online place to talk about our fabulous, quirkykids and see if someone else out there could be a friend. ET on EWTN: Holy Mass and Rosary on Wednesday, June 28, 2023 - Memorial of Saint Irenaeus, Bishop and Martyr Tell us where you're. Technology addiction is a real issue, and can unhealthy levels of use canbegin as a coping strategy for avoiding challenges or stressors in a person's life. Not sure this is any help to you; at least, now you know that you and your son are not alone. If so, what would that role be? Both of my kids have had very strong online relationships with friends, some of whom actually became real, live physical friends as well as virtual. As I understand it, your daughter doesn't see any friends outside of school? Cookie Notice His PC is all his world; he doesn't talk to any of us, is alienated and isolated from me and his step-father, sits with his computer and online friends in his room 24/7. He's in an independent study high school and it's lonely. He has an office in Berkeley and SF. Hates parties and big crowds. I realize now that I was incredibly shy as a child and lacked self confidence. by Katie BinghamSmith | November 9, 2020 It's almost two o'clock on a Sunday afternoon and I've hardly seen my 13-year-old son. The more anger, frustration, and exasperation that builds up around this, the less your child will want to engage, the less trust there will be, and the more resentment will build up between you. When out of school, they are both at home, almost always. I'm looking for a therapist that he can meet with and talk to. She is dying on the vine and we know that one in person activity would make all the difference. I read up on non verbal learning disorders and aspergers syndrome which are possibilites for you to look into. We recently completed a neuropsych evaluation and learned that a lot of these things (e.g., ADHD, anxiety, OCD, autism) can be interrelated. We did, and it was like night and day. He's just not interested in going out. Are there any books anyone can recommend? Every rare once in a while, he'll go sleep over at their house, but he never invites them over. Taking child out of school for a holiday - Anyone? He has friends that come to see him but he never goes out with them. Is your son happy with who he is? My son started high school at a new school, in a new culture. I'm Sad My Child Moved Out Here's How I'm Coping My daughter is the complete opposite and travels in many different close knit groups and my son doesn't seem envious of her. He just started middle school and already has been targeted by some bullies, and instead of navigating, he seems to be digging a deeper hole. Depression in Teens: The Warning Signs and How to Help Them Through Anger -5 yr old son very frustrated and angry. Normal? So here are the questions: how do teen boys connect? School has been hard. Makes a huge difference. The school social environment is relaxed and casual. I am available to drive all the time and happy to do. Kids don't hang out like they used to. I've held positions that require a good deal of contact with the public and strong communication skills which I developed beginning in middle school. However, your situation is very serious if your son has stopped attending school to the point he may not graduate and has no hopes and dreamsfor his future. Dear Your Teen: My kid sits at home every Friday and Saturday. Is this normal what should I do to get him out? My 14 year old son has lots of friends at school, but when it comes to socialize outside schoolit almost never happens! We try to wake him up almost every day, but often can't. Little kid logic! He's very smart, has a great sense of humor, loves videogames and computer games, and we have a great house for entertaining. Select any title to view the full question and replies. Oakland Hackerspace has regular classes in quirky topics for kids/teens. I look forward to hearing about other parents struggling with this situation too. I am just so desperate and cannot understand why and how he got so alienated from me. 855 33 I've worked with a lot of children and teens with behavior problems over the yearsand believe me, very few of their parents liked their friends. But letting her rule the roost and make the rules isseriously hurting her for life. People with high IQs often have a harder time with social skills. One of the first signs we are not coping or feeling mentally well is to shut down, it's the body's way of saying "Hey I need to figure this out so I need to preserve my energies." Unfortunately. Has a 16 y.o. Not that they are all bad, but some of them are deadly. If other kids are walking to school, hanging out at nearby homes after school, it can be tough for the commuting teen. She was immersed in media and getting belligerent and combative and less and less interactive. I would tell him what you told us and that things have to change so that he can grow into a functioning adult. My son's videogame playing and staying home had by then gotten worse:anxiety about leaving the house and extreme social anxiety. Best ofluck to u! Everyone needs friends. Celebrate all that is wonderful in her, and if she'll let you, hold her when she needs to cry, and give her space if she needs to explode in frustration. Maybe they can connect. 10/10/2010 at 12:22 pm My sons are the same, always have been. In some states, it may be known as a CHINS (Children in Need of Supervision) petition. The online bit doesn't seem to have been detrimental to the physical aspect of friendship, they now hang out with real people more than virtual people. sad and frustrated, One thing crossed my mind was maybe going on an extended family camping trip this summer somewhere remote. I think it is really important that you take your son to be evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). We've tried the kaiser groups, and boy scouts, and karate classes, through the years but he has always lost interest and asked to stop. See what activities those children participate in. This was huge and fabulous. Another really good way to get hooked into a peer group is to sign up for an athletic team. I used to worry because her brother, almost 15, is the complete opposite. How to Help an Antisocial Teenager | Empowering Parents Unlike his siblings, he never leaves the house with the exception of college twice a week (he has a few classes left) and for work (between 1 to 2x a week). I work as a secretary for most of the week and my husband does construction. Any advise on parenting such kid? Are there pods for 8th graders?

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